J. Awkward Prufrock is Getting Hitched!

2018 was a weird year.

I finished my master’s degree, spent months searching for a job, moved again (to an area that is dangerously close to where I went to undergrad *shudders*), and finally saw Game of Thrones, all while occasionally dropping very heavy-handed comments to Marc that it was time he make an honest woman out of me.

And then, toward the end of this weird year, in the midst of my annual hypochondria checkups for pulmonary emboli, heart problems, brain problems, lung problems, and otherwise (and even with great insurance, anxiety is expensive!), I found myself coming home on a normal Thursday. I changed into a stained Phantom of the Opera T-shirt as I vented to Marc about work. I half-heated up Christmas leftovers. Marc asked me to come out on our balcony and look at the beautiful lights he had put up and I looked at them for exactly one second, said they were great but I was cold, and headed back inside. And then three minutes later, he is asking me to be his wife.

The whole thing was very sweet. He took out a book I made him for our first anniversary compiled of all of our text messages from that year. We read aloud from it, reminiscing about how silly and awkward and weird we were (are). Then, when we got to a line that read, “Everyday is crumb cake as long as I’m with you,” my best friend, better half, and love of my life took a devastatingly sparkly ring out of his pocket.

Thus an ordinary Thursday night became one of the best and most notable nights of my life.

I actually forgot to answer for awhile. I guess I thought the answer was obvious. So I’m sobbing and he’s staring at me expectantly and then it occurs to me that he did just ask me a question. And I squeak out a glorious, “Yeah!”

And before we dive into the whirlwind of wedding planning, during which we will gradually lay out the event of our dreams and our families will tell us we are wrong, I must take a moment to reflect on all of the craziness that got us here.

There were a lot of lonely nights of sitting up late, wondering who I was going to marry: what would he be like? What would he do for a living? What would he be passionate about? The thing is, I’m ever-practical (cynical), so my fantasy was always my being in an indifferent marriage to a quazi-workaholic who I liked enough to see on most weekends. Never in the most outrageous corners of my imagination could I have dreamed up a comedy-loving, poetry-reading, ever-patient digital marketing specialist who rubs my feet without my having to ask and who I simply cannot wait to see everyday. Funnily enough, in my quest for self-acceptance, I, in many ways, fell for and agreed to spend the rest of my life with a male version of myself. Love thyself, always.

There were a lot of nights crying over men who weren’t worth the tears, feeling as though I were objectively unlovable. There was a lot of anger and dishonesty toward myself about what I (and all of us) deserve from a partner. There was a lot of confusion and resentment toward what love truly is. Through it all, I conveniently forgot the most important thing: love thyself, always.

Love may look different for all of us. I really wouldn’t know. My journey to this point has led me to believe that I objectively know nothing. For me, love looks like a comedy-loving, poetry-reading, ever-patient digital marketing specialist who rubs my feet without my having to ask and who I simply cannot wait to see everyday.

It all still seems very surreal and I spend most days in utter disbelief. And yet it also feels like nothing has changed. I am just going to have to cut back on my annual peace of mind check-ups in order to save for this massive celebratory party and a future home for all the dogs we will raise.

Happy New Year, awkward-teers. May 2019 bring you peace, prosperity, joy, love, and maybe a new President. I will sign off with this quote from my spirit animal, Elizabeth Lemon of 30 Rockefeller Plaza: “We don’t have to settle. The moms were wrong. Stupid Buzz Aldrin was wrong. So thank you and goodbye. Praise to the universe! Love is real!”

 

My Top 5 Good Things for Getting Through These Dark Times

Welp, Donald Trump is President of the United States.

I’m not going to get terribly political here but I’ll just say this wasn’t my first choice.

And with how quickly news spreads these days, especially considering the media’s got this guy under a microscope, it’s been pretty easy to feel bummed out, to say the least.

While I do feel called to fight much of this, fiercely and ferociously, sometimes you just need a quick fix of good things and good thoughts (provided you can temporarily turn off the thought of all the people who don’t have the good things).

–Tasty Videos: Nothing better to put your mind at ease than watching delicious things being mixed together to make delicious food. Watching these videos is so relaxing! Seeing different things working together, complementing one another, into a giant melting pot filled with sense, reason, kindness, and acceptance. Imagine that!

–Pictures and videos of dogs being dogs: Need I explain? We should all be more like dogs.

–We’re due a messiah any day now! Whether you believe he already stopped by once or not, there is a chance we’ll get a savior very soon! And if you see a big, hairy guy with a pink umbrella or a very pale, winged person dressed in white, it could be you!

–This is a terrific time for comedy. With badness comes satire and with satire comes laughter. I’ve been watching more Saturday Night Live than I have in my entire life. I feel like anyone could just go onstage at an open mic and say, “Donald Trump is our president,” and that would be enough material for a whole set. Guys, this guy is our president. Previous credits include host of The Apprentice and Orange is the New Orange.

–Good exists. Fundamentally, I believe most people are good, and that if you encounter hatred, combat it with kindness. Be a citizen. Be a door holder. Be present, listen intently, research fiercely, and, most importantly, consider the lobster. Each one of us only gets one life and I think we should be doing our best to make it as easy for each other as possible.