New York, I’m Breaking Up With You

New York and I had a whopping nine months together, and all I can say is we’ve gestated a pretty ugly baby.

When I was in college studying acting, everyone always talked about how they were going to live in New York after graduation. I tried to hop on that bandwagon, envying their starry-eyed aspirations and the glamorous outlooks they had for their futures. I made plans with friends to move to New York, to pound the pavement, looking for our big breaks. But in the back of my mind, I knew both acting and New York weren’t for me.

However, because the world works the way it does, I ended up having to move to New York City for a job.

Hi Jillian,

Will u go out wit me?

YES      NO

Xoxo New York City

Eh…I guess?

And so, I packed up what I could fit in my new tiny, overpriced room, and headed off to the big city.

In some ways, I was really excited about it. I had a lot of friends living in the city and I thought it would help improve my social life. Despite the fact that many people think I’m this really intense and serious person, I’ve never had much ambition when it comes to my career. All I’ve ever really wanted was friendships like the ones on I saw on TV. And if you ever did find me staring at you like you’re nuts, it’s simply because you’ve gone off script.

I’ve now found out that New York City friendships are rooted fundamentally in the, “You’re broke, I’m broke, and you’re either in another borough or a far walk from my apartment, so let’s just text each other occasionally” mentality.

And now, because fate is a fickle fiend with a twisted sense of humor, after nine months, I have to leave New York, once again for work. Because my boss no longer wants to pay a monthly fee that could feed a family of four for a cubby with no ventilation.

And while I’m always the kind of person who gets really anxious about any sort of change, and the kind of person who clings on to nostalgia, I can look around at my New York apartment, my first real adulthood home, and feel absolutely nothing.

I suppose in some weird way, I will miss being on the subway, told that I am being delayed because of the train traffic ahead of me, cursing the MTA under my breath, avoiding the overly affectionate couple next to me while I vigilantly scan the train for suspicious characters until some old lady does a hip hop dance for quarters. I will miss the constant threat of terrorism. I will miss how every Starbucks has an inexplicably long line. I will miss thinking I have money until the 1st of the month arrives. I will miss walking in the rain with my arms full of groceries. I will miss the church bells across the street ringing every hour, starting at 7:30am on weekends.  I will miss the tremendous sense of culture I felt whenever I got yelled at in another language. I will miss being enveloped in the hot scent of old sewage like a warm hug. And I will miss you, people who blast Kanye West out of your car at 3am, so loudly that my walls shake. You, I will miss most of all.

In a completely serious, non-weird way, I will miss the fact that Coldstone delivers. And speedily, at that.

To all of you tried and true New Yorkers out there, I am not mocking you. I have nothing but envy and admiration for artists, for dreamers, for those who can look at something like New York and see unending possibility, see home. I look at New York and see a TV show I might enjoy if I didn’t have to keep getting up to shift the antennae.

So…

Hi New York,

I have 2 break up wit u. I like da suburbs now.

Sry,

Jillian

P.S. As a small update from my last entry, I came home to find the dead bird had finally been swept off the ledge by the rain and is now resting comfortably in the grass. I like to think it was some kind of metaphor.

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Random Thoughts from J. Awkward Prufrock

Man, I’ve really been sucking at the blogging thing lately!

Actually, I’ve just been sucking lately.

I used to write and do things (like my job…sometimes…occasionally) out of my office, but now my company is in the middle of weird and drawn out relocation process, so I am working out of my apartment. My apartment has terrible lighting and uncomfortable chairs. I tried that whole working out of a café thing but the café with the most seating is on the way to the park and thus distracting doggie passersby frequently occurred.

If I were half as good at focusing as I am at making excuses, well, I’d probably have at least one viable skill by now. But alas, here we are!

My apartment, I will also admit, is woefully uninspiring. I live with three mid-20s gentlemen. We have pizza boxes. And a dead bird on our back ledge that has not decomposed one bit over the past year, which says a lot about preservatives in modern food. I am now convinced if I eat enough Kraft, I will become immortal.

Then, there’s TV. Man I love watching TV. I remember when it was cool to say you didn’t watch TV. I’m really glad Netflix nipped that in the butt. What’s weird is that I rarely expand my horizons. I watch the same shows over and over again. I put on an episode of Gilmore Girls a couple weeks ago and man oh man was that a mistake. Now not only am I spending hours of my week watching episodes of a show I’ve already seen, I’m also realizing that this show I used to love isn’t all that great. I used to love the idea of a town where everybody talked fast and made obscure references. Now I’m realizing that they talk fast and make obscure references to cover up their deep-seeded and absurd emotional issues.

You now what’s one thing that bothers me about TV shows? How in one episode, the characters will be going through the couch for pennies and in the next they will throw a big and elaborate party to cheer another character up. And oftentimes, the party is really inconsiderate of others. How many times did Lorelai Gilmore make Sookie drop everything and cook food for her and one of these parties she shouldn’t be able to afford?

I suppose that’s what makes good TV, though. A show about me would consist of me sitting alone in my room, trying not to inconvenience anyone.

And then perhaps the worst happened. I ended up on Reddit. It’s one of those sites I’ve been avoiding (the other being Tumblr) because I know how much time I’ll spend on them. I then discovered the Gilmore Girls sub-Reddit because I was looking up stuff about the upcoming revival. Man, people are really pre-occupied by which boyfriend Rory will choose. I find it kind of funny. I never really considered them a big part of the show. And why does everyone like Jess so much? That guy sucks.

To recap, what I’ve learned this week is that I really need to get off the internet, away from the TV, and out of my apartment in general.

My mind also tends to drift off to weird places when I’m not getting out much.

Some thoughts I’ve had this week:

-It’s kind of weird that, in our language, you can have words that are made entirely of vowels but none that are made entirely of consonants. But then, consonants don’t make any audible noise, and vowels do. I looked it up on my etymology app, and consonant at its root means “sound together,” and vowel means “vocal letter.” It’s also weird that our whole language is made up of 26 letters. Do you think that limits us? Language is such an imperfect system as it is.

-You know what’s also weird? That dating is two-sided but breakups are one-sided. Two people need to agree to a relationship starting but only one has to decide when the relationship is over. You can’t go up to any random person and say, “We’re dating now.” That’s creepy. You can go up to someone and say, “We’re breaking up.” They will be confused but they can’t argue. Oh, life.

-I found an article from three years ago that said the computer industry is working on changing the QWERTY keyboard system. And I’m already getting anxious about learning it.

-I want to make a modern parody of that Fred Astaire movie, Holiday Inn and call it Holiday Inn Express. That is as far as I’ve gotten with its development.

I do have plans for the weekend, which I’m hoping will help spring me back into (comparative) normalcy. Until then!