My Top 25 Most Awkward Things

Well this is me, getting quite candid with all of you. I probably shouldn’t label these as “most” when they are in fact 25 of many. I raise these points to your attention in the hopes that I am not alone. Please tell me I’m not alone. Anyone? Hello?

  1. I talk to myself. A lot. I pretty much don’t know how to let a thought weave in and out of my head without mouthing it. Sometimes I’m just repeating past conversations. Sometimes I am creating dialogue for potential future conversations. Sometimes I am going over a strategy to get the heck out of a conversation. I am only aware of my doing it roughly 60% of the time. Sometimes I become aware while I’m mid-act but then I feel weird abruptly stopping, because passersby have come to expect it of me and I don’t want to disappoint them. I’m trying to get in the habit of always having a book in front of me so it just looks like I’m reading to myself.
  2. To follow on that, if I am making a conscious decision to not talk to myself, I will still be unable to prevent my face from expressing every thought I am having. Sometimes this means seemingly laughing at nothing, sometimes it means I look really disgusted for no reason, sometimes it means people cowering away from me because they think I’m mad at them, but in reality I’m just thinking about work.
  3. When I get nervous or don’t know what to say, I smell my hair.
  4. I also play with my hair, which means I panic if I don’t have a hair-tie. I put my hair up in a messy bun, only to take it down, and then put it back up again over the span of 2.5 minutes. I have no control over my hair, however, and cannot pull off the messy bun no matter how hard I try. It always just ends up looking like a turd is coming out of my head.
  5. If I think of something really embarrassing from my past, I start to moan until the thought leaves my head. Sometimes if the thought is too strong, I say a random word like, “ANTELOPE!” in the hopes that the antelope will chase the thought away.
  6. I also moan when I eat, but that’s just because I really love food.
  7. If I am eating with my hands, I have to break the food up into small bites. Unless it is circular (i.e. a cheeseburger). Then I must eat downward from right to left until it is halved, turn it and eat it until it is a triangle, bite it down into a smile shape, and finish the smile shape in exactly 4 bites.
  8. Yesterday for lunch, I decided to pack a container full of plain Brussels sprouts. This isn’t because I am on some sort of diet or am trying to be healthy in general. I just really love Brussels sprouts.
  9. If I hear music, I have to dance. Or lip-sync with feeling. All depends on the tune. I still don’t know if I am human…or a dancer.
  10. When I am talking to someone new and I don’t know what to say, I laugh. This isn’t so terrible until someone tells you they had to declare bankruptcy.
  11. I don’t like the feeling of sitting for long periods without something in my lap. I think it’s a vulnerability thing. Accordingly I always feel better if I have a pillow or a bag with me. Teachers used to ask me if I was going somewhere because I always had my bag in my lap. Also I’m pretty sure it’s why I have back problems.
  12. I’m very bad at sounding casual. When I try, my voice cracks. So I try to keep out of the conversation until something I can genuinely discuss comes up. A lot of people think I don’t like them or I’m stuck-up. I just, in general, really, really, really don’t know what to say, and would prefer to not say anything.
  13. My office door is known to shock people when they touch it. I hate that feeling on my hands, so I always open the door with my elbow.
  14. I’m very afraid of eels. I really hate snakes but man, are eels just terrifying. They’re the snakes of the water! (Well, besides water snakes). That makes them doubly sinister. I have nightmares about eel attacks frequently.
  15. If I’m watching one of my favorite movies or TV shows or reading one of my favorite books and I know a character is about to experience something hurtful or embarrassing, I have to fast forward, flip ahead, turn it off, leave the room, etc. because I feel their feelings…and then I start to moan.
  16. On top of the aforementioned food enjoyment moans, I am a loud and messy eater. I always end up wearing some of my meal. I try to chew quietly but it doesn’t work. People grab headsets when they see me going for an ice cream cone.
  17. One time, my friend threw an apple at me and I caught it. We celebrated for weeks.
  18. I make really obscure references to things that no one would ever possibly get. Like I’ll say, “No, thank you,” in a way similar to the way John Travolta said, “No, thank you,” in one movie one time. I secretly always hope someone will get it. Even a little. It was especially a problem when I was younger and watching TV shows that were on in the 70s and 80s. How could you not know Blair Warner’s eyes had green and gold flecks and that Susan Dey had an eating disorder?! I was raised by that shit.
  19. I was a theatre major, and once had to do a mock professional audition as part of my college curriculum. They told me the audition itself was fine, but then spent 20 minutes trying to teach me how to walk into an audition. Apparently you’re supposed to do it in a straight line and not look like a waddling duck.
  20. I am always cold and thus usually have a large coat on. Even when I’m at home. Not a hoodie. A coat. I really like coats.
  21. I ordered a tea in Starbucks the other day. It was very busy and the cashier clearly forgot to pour it. Instead of asking about the progress of the tea I had paid for and had every legal right to, I left and went to Gregory’s Coffee.
  22. I am a master of the Irish goodbye.
  23. If I am at a house party, I immediately try to find an animal to befriend. Animals rarely expect a casual conversation.
  24. I don’t hear well, especially when people mumble, so I often have to ask people to repeat themselves more loudly several times after they’ve said something they clearly didn’t want other people to hear.
  25. It is very safe to say I never know what I’m doing.

Come come now, awkward-teers. Share with me your awkward ways! Let us bask in our awkward glory! But quietly…alone, in our own space.

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6 thoughts on “My Top 25 Most Awkward Things

  1. 1. I constantly bump into things. I have the ability to walk in a straight line, but sometimes I don’t try.

    2. When I go to a party, I feel the need to be early. Then, because everyone comes fashionably late, I have to awkwardly sit and wait for other to come. Either that or sit in my parked car for the duration of time needed, therefore I look like I’m scoping a place out like a stakeout.

    These are just two among many. Haha.

    Like

  2. This is freaking hilarious! I definitely am always looking forward to your posts! My favorite is how you eat a cheeseburger! How precise! I have a lot of these same quirks. I think you’ve inspired me to write about them to! I’ll tell you my weird thing is that when I start eating food with my hands I always call it a committal meal. I can’t put it down until I finish it, which is why I have to cut things in half so I can take a break in between!

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  3. Hey! I think I only counted 23! Are you trying to cheat us?

    Like the cheeseburger thing. Had a image of a mouth that was like a printer head, going back and forward to mow down the burger.

    I don’t know if I could get to 25 for myself. I do talk to myself, usually when I’m at work reviewing what I’ve done and what’s next. One step closer I guess to mumbling to myself on the bus in my golden years.

    Liked by 1 person

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