All of the Reasons I’ll Never Ask You Out

  1. You might say no.
  2. You might say yes, and I’ll just stare at you in shock and then you’ll change your mind.
  3. You might say yes and then yell, “PSYCH!”
  4. You might say yes but then we never make a definitive plan and the date never actually happens and every time I see you, it’s awkward.
  5. You might say yes and then I suggest a sushi place, but it turns out you’re allergic to sushi and you call me insensitive.
  6. You might say yes and then cancel.
  7. You might say yes and then not show up.
  8. You might say yes and then show up with another woman, and I find myself entangled in a weird sex arrangement.
  9. You might say yes and then get into a minor car accident on the way to the date and then resent me.
  10. You might say yes and then we go somewhere candlelit and my hair catches fire and I have to go to the hospital.
  11. You might say yes and then we go someplace for hot coffee and I spill it in my lap and have to go to the hospital.
  12. You might say yes and then we go out for dinner and you choke on your food and then you have to go to the hospital.
  13. You might say yes and then I will catch a stomach virus but I won’t want to cancel and we’ll go somewhere and I’ll throw up on you.
  14. You might say yes and then the first date goes well, but the second date is sub par and you lose interest.
  15. You might say yes and then I realize I don’t like you that much and I’ve wasted a perfectly good Saturday.
  16. You might say yes and then we have a good time, so I invite you back to my place and you rob me.
  17. You might say yes and all goes well and then you take me to an alley to meet your drug dealer.
  18. You might say yes and we go to a museum and are mistaken for famous art thieves and end up in jail.
  19. You might say yes and then we date for a few months and then you break up with me and I’m sad.
  20. You might say yes and then we date for a few months and it turns out you’re a serial killer.
  21. You might say yes and then we date for a few months and fall madly in love and then you become terminally ill.
  22. You might say yes and then we fall madly in love, but your mother hates me and you have to choose between us.
  23. You might say yes and then we fall madly in love and I find out you’ve been married all along.
  24. You might say yes and then we fall madly in love and then you propose to me and yell, “PSYCH!” and run away and I never see you again.
  25. You might say yes and then we fall madly in love and decide to get married and it’s expensive.
  26. You might say yes and then we get to our wedding day and you suddenly realize you’re gay and run out of the venue and hop on the back of some dude’s motorcycle.
  27. You might say yes and then we get to our wedding day and Scarlet Johannson suddenly gets up and professes her love for you and how can I compete with that?
  28. You might say yes and then we get to our wedding day and Ryan Gosling suddenly gets up and professes his love for me and I have to choose.
  29. You might say yes and then we get married and then you get kidnapped on our honeymoon.
  30. You might say yes and then we get married and then we grow to hate each other and get divorced.
  31. You might say yes and then we get married and I find out I’m your second family.
  32. You might say yes and then we get married and have children and never have sex again.
  33. You might say yes and then we get married and our children are horrible people.
  34. You might say yes and then we get married and win the lottery and the money corrupts us and ruins our relationship.
  35. You might say yes and then we get married and I find our your job was never technically legal.
  36. You might say yes.

So it is pretty safe to say, gentle-eyed creature across the crowded room, that if you believe there is any future for us, please, in the name of all that is divine, make the first move. Any hope we have depends on it.

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