The Top 5 Most Awkward Kissing Techniques

Kissing is one of the few dating-related categories I like to think I understand. Whilst a good ol’ fashioned lip-wrestling match can be intimidating, there are certain go-tos one can always abide by: 1) Kissing is defined as the touch of the lips as a sign of love, sexual desire, reverence, or greeting. Take note of the word “lips.” Your lips are the samurai, the tongue is merely your sword. 2) If you get bored, tilt your head. You may appreciate things from another angle. 3) When in doubt, follow the leader. Remember, everyone has spent time and energy refining their kissing manners. Whatever they do to you may very well be what they expect from you, so it is perfectly acceptable, when you’re at a loss, to just do what they do.

Unless they do one of these things.

5) The Swash Buckler: Argh, yer matey’s vessel has apparently hit rocky waters. Consequently, they feel they can only open their mouth partially so as not to take on too much water, and their tongue is going to swiftly move back and forth to counter the rhythm of the waves. This technique will leave you with few places to go. The quick, yet predictable movement of the tongue makes it hard to add variety, and the semi-closed mouth means you’re just going to taste whatever’s leftover from their dinner.

4) The Face-Eater: A face-eater understands the importance of the lips within the kissing context, and I commend them for it. Face-eaters are potentially solid kissers who don’t understand the scope of their mouth size. So their whole mouth ends up encapsulating your whole mouth and they’re essentially making out with your nostrils and chin, leaving you to feel like you’re being swallowed by a slobber whale and likely unable to breathe.

3) The Chomper: Lips are friends, not food. If your tongue is your samurai sword, then your teeth are your firearms, only to be taken out when you know you’re at war. A little light, playful biting never hurt anyone, but for goodness’s sake, buy some Trident if you’re looking to chew on something.

2) The Fire Stoker: When your partner doesn’t feel your mouth is open wide enough, sometimes they may feel compelled to stick their tongue tonsil-deep in your mouth repeatedly until they achieve the circumference they desire. Not only is this a choking hazard, it may cause spit to spread rapidly. Do not try at home. Do not try ever.

And, tongue-roll, please…

1) The Combination: Every so often, you may be blessed with the opportunity to make out with someone who can simultaneously achieve all four of the above. I have on two occasions. Remember, this is a privilege, not a right. Embrace it. Learn from it. (Also, when referring to this technique in casual conversation, remember to sound as French as possible. Otherwise, let us not go to number 1. ‘Tis a silly place.)

None of these are a deal-breaker for me, of course. Any beast can be tamed. But the most important thing is that you find someone whose awkward kiss matches your awkward kiss so you can fall in awkward love and spread the Book of Awkward.

Did I miss anything? Got a kissing horror story? Leave a comment.

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